Tuesday, 27 February 2007

Spontaneous Combustion and Spit Roast Snuggles

Things have been pretty busy for the last few weeks. What started as a bad case of smoking hiccups has resulted in something far more worrying. It would seem I now have a cold although it is a far more violent one than usual and not particularly cold. It all started about a week after the trip to the vet, while I was attempting to continue my revenge on Mr S. I decided that my next trick would be to add some chili powder to his 'secret' stash of cat crunchies. This would have been perfect, he wouldn't be able to tell anyone what I had done because he shouldn't have a secret stash (he's been put on a diet, hehe).

Anyway, all would have gone smoothly if Mr S hadn't decided to reappear from his morning wander at the exact moment I opened the chili powder. In my rush to get the job done quickly and remove any evidence that would alert him to what I'd been up to, I knocked the powder over and ended up wearing a fair amount of the stuff. As you can imagine, chili powder isn't something that will pass unnoticed with my new colours and so I made a disastrous mistake... I tried to blow the stuff off.

Mr S noticed me hidden under the hydrangea and started to come over (to be honest, with the amount of noise I was making after inhaling chili powder I may as well have placed a neon sign over me). Just as he reached me the chili powder managed to find its way up my nose and made me sneeze. Unfortunately for Mr S it was also at this point that my hiccups disappeared and I spontaneously combusted (well, the contents of my nose did at least). Instead of covering him in the delights of my nasal cavities I set fire to his tail and singed his whiskers. Mr Snuggles threw himself into the pond, panicked because he can't swim and then realised he could still reach the bottom. Knowing what's good for me, I gathered up as much chili powder as I could and ran.

The incident was ignored, Iggy said that because I'd been unfairly punished for caticide already it was only fair that I wasn't held responsible this time as it was an accident (I didn't mention the chili powder). Since then though I have been sneezing a lot and each time the sneeze is catching fire with more and more strength. So far I've managed to hide the new problem from the family but I'm running out of room to hide the things that get burnt. They're sure to notice the rather large hole in the curtains before long!

Combustible snot, what on earth will happen next?


Sunday, 18 February 2007

All Change...

Strange things are happening lately, first on the list is my fancy new colour. Gone is the golden tinge, replaced by a (rather fetching I must say) white and purple. As it turns out I'm also female, which is probably just as well with my new colouring. Iggy decided he wanted a professional pet portrait of me so we went for a trip into town yesterday. This is me (on the left) with my new look. Not sure what made me change colour, I didn't think that this kind of thing happened to dogs.

Second strange thing was when I got the hiccups. Doesn't sound too odd I know, but I'm sure normally you don't hiccup smoke... I know I never have in the past. It was because of this that I was taken on a trip to the vets, which was where the third thing occurred.

I sat with Iggy and his mum in the waiting room at the vets, on my best behaviour of course. No one seemed to take any notice of me but I didn't mind, it meant I could relieve myself under the chairs without being spotted... I knew I shouldn't have finished the whole bowl of water before we left. When we finally made it in to see the vet I was lifted onto the table. I felt quite nervous by this time, the room had posters off all sorts of evil looking bugs and things that live on pets.
Anyway, the vet walked in and started to say, "So what can I do for fluffy today..." before promptly screaming and running out of the room. I had a quick sniff in case I'd accidentally farted or something but I can assure you I hadn't. Iggy told me that this wasn't typical vet behaviour and that usually it was in fact the pets that would scream and run. I have to admit this made me feel even more nervous. The vet never returned, instead a nurse came in and said she was sorry but the surgery didn't deal with exotic pets.

I don't think I'll venture out too far again and just stick to the garden. Nothing there seems too alarmed by my presence, except for Mr S. next door who always seems slightly apprehensive when he sees me. I think that could be because I swapped his dish of milk for glue a week ago, hehe.

I wonder how long I'll be stuck hiccuping smoke... hope it isn't a sign I'm about to spontaneously combust.


Thursday, 1 February 2007

Unexplained Absences

You may have noticed my absence for the past month (you may not have or alternatively you may not have cared). While to you this absence would appear unexplained, there is of course a very sensible explanation. Due to my 'unruly behaviour' early last month I was exiled to the dog house (which was purchased shortly after my last post). What was this terrible behaviour of mine? I ate next doors cat. Obviously I didn't really eat the cat but that is the crime I was reprimanded for none the less.

It was on the 3rd of January when the event in question occurred. I had been routing through the bins... I mean, I had been sniffing for foxes round the bins when a scream came from next door. This was nothing unusual, the woman next door often screams, I think she likes to exercise her lungs or something. It could be because of the mice the cat takes in now I come to think of it, they don't always look like they are ready to be cat food. Anyway, this time I knew something was amiss, it may have been something to do with the shouts of 'That damn dog' (What she actually said can't be repeated in polite society... well in any society).

And that's when it happened, I was accused of caticide. I admit there was 'evidence' but (I thought) it was obvious to anyone that it was fake, a set up. I was wrong. The cats collar surrounded by bones was enough to convince everyone that I was guilty. My suggestion that the bones were far too small to belong to a cat were ignored, 'why would Mr Snuggles' collar be amongst bones if they weren't his?' I was far too taken aback by the Mr Snuggles bit to suggest that they could have belonged to his breakfast and that he was in fact far more intelligent than anyone thought (myself included).

After Iggy's mum managed to calm the woman down with a nice cup of tea (the miracle cure), my punishment was discussed and everyone agreed that I should be exiled to the garden (there was no longer the fear I would eat the cat because I already had, even though I hadn't). And so my punishment began, even the weather seemed to have it in for me with the wind and rain, even snow one morning. I have to admit, towards the end of the month I was beginning to wonder what actually had happened to Mr Snuggles (heehee, still have to chuckle at that name). When the woman next door appeared this morning I didn't know whether to be thankful or angry. In her arms, with the smuggest look you've ever seen, was the one and only Mr S. Collarless but in one piece and with all his bones in their rightful places, he'd been tucked up in a pile of blankets in the garage with two boxes of cat crunchies. A well thought out scheme, too well thought out.

Once again I am allowed indoors and have received an apology from everyone except the pair next door. World domination is no longer a priority, in fact, world domination is cancelled. Mr S, this is war.